Global Epidemics: The facts

Apr 28, 2009

With the whole world going crazy over the latest global disease outbreak, swineflu, it is important that we remain aware of other diseases that can easily be overlooked at times like this.

This article focusses on the little known virus Spacepenguinflu.

Where did it start?

It’s origins are a little sketchy but it is believed to have started sometime around the year 2000 in a small community called AMP but being highly contagious it did not take long to become global with cases observed in England and Wales, New Zealand, Texas, New York, Norway, Australia and Germany with unconfirmed reports coming in from other parts of the US and Canada.

What are the symptoms?

The most obvious symptom is inane and sometimes incoherent babbling. The infected individual does not appear to have any control over the direction of their thoughts. They may start off talking quite sensibly about the current conversation but before they know it they are making comments about totally random things like sporks, smeef minkies or monkogs, and saying things like “woog”.

How does the disease spread?

This is a total mystery. Although very contagious it does not appear to spread via physical contact. As observed from the initial outbreak, most of the infected did not physically meet patient-zero and had very limited contact with each other.

Is there a cure?

Unfortunately no, although symptoms do tend to become less severe with age. There are, however, a few things that can be done to assist the infected individual.

  1. Sparkly Molkos – This little known drink has quite a profound effect and reduces the babbling to short sentences, usually monosyllabic.
  2. Hugs – The infected respond well to physical comfort and bonding of this sort also appears to slow down the spread of the disease.
  3. Venting/Ranting – The infected should be encouraged as much as reasonably possible to vent their anger about all and any irritations, no matter how small or seemingly unimportant to the observer.